I Believe

So, as you may know, right now there is a project going on called 1Book1Twitter. Think of it as a giant reading circle on the internet. I desperately wanted to be part of this, but unfortunately, was simply too busy with school. Part of my desire came from the fact they were reading "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman (who at this point, is pretty much my favorite writer ever). Even though I could not participate, I followed along loosely. Today, Mr. Gaiman posted a shirt that I would really love to get, which comes from a speech made in the book. I read the speech and was floored by how close to my own philosophy it followed. I swear, sometimes I think the man is a prophet.

Here is the speech:

“I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen – I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”

After having read this (and after picking my brain matter off the wall), I started writing my own sort of 'belief' poem (instead of taking notes in class). Here is what I came up with:

-I believe if dining halls didn't want us to steal bananas, they shouldn't charge 9.78 for their crappy cafeteria food. I believe teachers are grossly underpaid and that they bitch about it too much. I believe in cold pizza on couches and stale fries in backpacks. I believe in the Story. I believe it does not matter that there's no evidence oft he Jews being in Egypt, and that the Sphinx was not built by slaves; the story of the Exodus is still TRUE, regardless of if it actually happened. I believe you are not BETTER if you are stronger, smarter or more ambitious. I believe people will appropriate any document to justify their position.I believe it's silly to wear plastic galoshes and short skirts at the same time, since EVERYONE knows the purpose of rain boots is to make jumping in puddles easier.
Or maybe it's better so you don't soak your pants, since few things are more unpleasant. I believe there's only one true path, and we can never be certain we're on it and anyone who says they are, live like a diver walking along the sea floor, in one of those diving suits the bad guys wear in Scooby Doo. I believe Joseph Smith was either crazy or a conman and that this does not make Mormons or their faith illegitimate. I believe you can tell what groups are considered the "enemy" by who our comic book heroes are fighting. I believe professionalism should not require you to give up who you are, but it does and maybe it needs to. I believe in divine healing and I believe those douche bags who spend millions of donation dollars on private planes don't have it. I believe the Devil has better things to do than bothering infecting your kids through Magic the Gathering, rock and roll, Dungeons and Dragons and Harry Potter. I believe no on has ever been convinced or "woken up" by someone blowing up a building. I believe the best socializers are South Park and the Daily Show and college kids should be required to watch it. I believe sky scrapers and condoms are as much a part of nature as beaver dams and glaciers. I believe money and time spent in the service of others is never wasted. I believe it is completely possible to think a war is stupid, wasteful and corrupt and still admire and encourage those who fight it. I believe those who advocate direct democracy, total socialism, or otherwise gripe about our government should travel internationally so they begin to comprehend just how BIG the United States is. I also believe it wouldn't make much difference to them. I believe philosophy isn't dead, it has just changed addresses. Now we call it Science Fiction. I believe anything you say can and will be used against you in a Goggle Search. I believe in spanking, biting and handcuffing...someone you love very much. I believe that anyone who considers killing innocent people as an appropriate way of dealing with anyone is not intelligent, misunderstood or functional, only selfish and suicidal. I believe the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution are mind-blowingly amazing living documents that changed the world amongst great odds. I believe that in no way diminishes the tragedy of tolerated slavery, which led to a century of pain and a Civil War we should never have needed to fight and generations of racism we've yet to overcome. Nor does it absolve the founding Fathers from the responsibility of dehumanizing and subjugating other people. I believe there should be a dictionary called "Obscure Words for Pretentious People to Feel Haughty for Knowing" which will be self-defeating since everyone is pretentious on some level and once everyone knows them, they're not obscure anymore, are they? I believe hoods, cloaks, high Edwardian collars and double-breasted longcoats should come back into fashion, but I don't want them to because I'm secretly afraid others will look better in them and I won't even have the benefit of being strange and unique. I believe every person on the bus has a secret story...the difference is some read like Neil Gamian and some read like Stephanie Meyer. I believe in free will and I believe in destiny and I don't claim to understand how either work, let alone how they work together. I believe in tipping food service workers even when you don't think they deserve it or as much as you're giving because at some karmic point, we have all been them. I believe some people dance in the rain, and some people cry in the rain and both are tragically beautiful and beautifully tragic. I believe in obvious things and subtle things and I believe I don't know anything about anything but talk like I do out of fear and habit and because, well, you were just so WRONG. I believe anyone who thinks free love is more "natural" than monogamy should give up contraceptives, Wendy's and soap and see how often they get laid then. I believe we grow when we suffer and I believe that anyone inflicting suffering upon others is evil. I believe a benefit of the "real men don't cry" stereotype is how special their lovers feel the first time he breaks down in front of them. I believe it doesn't matter where you were born, how poor you were, what your religion says, what color your flesh is or how good your parents were...you are responsible for your own actions, always. I believe there's a purpose and reason to everything and I believe everything was just arbitrary, indifferent cause and effect and I believe that IT DOES NOT MATTER. I believe everyone should live their life as if they were being held accountable, as if they had free choice because living the other way is nasty, brutish and short. I believe everyone should should stop calling the philosophers dumb until they've changed the world the same way. I believe that imagination is the last thing to endure after faith, hope and love, as it is born out of the second two and makes the first one possible. I believe if I could help just one person, make their lives better, my life will be more complete.

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There will undoubtedly be more at some point. That is what I have for now.